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Tuesday, August 24, 2004
  Pieces of me.

... and if I had chosen another path? There is not much good I have to say about medicine. About the studies, the payment, the other docs, the eternities you spend doing things you do not want to do. Or at least I don't. No, I never made a secret of it. This path is not mine. But it did change me. The thought came to me today. That I could have chosen to do something else, but would I have ended up as the same man? What did I learn from my studies?

I learned to put faith in my abilities. Vital responsibilities can be laid into my hands, and I am worthy of receiving them. Putting needles into people, administering drugs, evaluating another person's sickness. I passed all those tests, and it has given me self-confidence. It has fortified my personality. And now it lets me dare things I would have never guessed not too long ago. Because I know I can do them.

I learned to handle people. The mystery of the stranger that is the other person, it's gone. People are just people, there is nothing intimidating about them. Not really. People are scared, they feel sad, and they long for simple things: a smile, a hello, one of those gummybears. There were times when I was afraid to say anything to strangers. I would arrange the words in my head, go through them a dozen times, and panic when I did not have the possibility to prepare myself properly. Every conversation seemed like a test to me. While none of that was about other people, it was only about me. Scared me...

(to be continued)
  23:06